xdeadtolifex: June 2007

Friday, June 29, 2007

GO TO THIS SHOW!!!

Everyone go to this show it will be awesome even though I'm not allowed to be there.Sunday June 24th Dublin California END OF THE YEAR BASH Come Celebrate the End of the School Year with: Bound To Happen Afraid of Water Figure4 Through It All Flinch Factor$5 ALL AGES at Valley Christian Center 7500 Inspiration Drive Dublin California Use www.mapquest.com for more info</h4>~sorrow~

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Random Conversation with Nick A.D.D.

Czarnickerman: I am going to Safeway now, as I am a total idiot., SoRrowFoundmE: ok bye Auto response from Czarnickerman: I am going to shoot you in the face.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I have balls of steel....

OK well today I let Nick Cook drive my car for a while because he's learing how to drive for the first time at age 21!!! He likes to ride on the shoulder of the road. It's kind of scary. Anyhoo nothing bad happened. I'm borrowing a new tail light from another dodge dart. I have to pick up tonight.~sorrow~

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Fuck Sacto Kids...

I use the term loosely, of course, (see title) but I fucking hate some of those kids. Tonight I was at a show in sacto at Mike Hoods place and the show went sour.My friend from out of town was there dancing it and just totally having a good time. Some dick faced jack ass decided that she was "making fun of the way that his friends dance." I've been at almost every show that she's been at down her and she dances the same way every fuckin' time. Then, the guy tried to hit her whenever he danced in her direction, which only complicated things more. She stood up for herself and things just blew up. I hate that guy and all of his friends. They didn't hurt her at all, but that's not the point, he would have if he could have. If you have to beat up a girl to feel tough, or like you have a big dick or something, fuck you. I so wish that he wasn't a sacto kid, hell I lost so much respect for all of all of the kids out there. It's like they hate white pride and all that but they're totally down for beating up girls, fuck that. I don't care how deep they're roots are or how deep they go, they need to learn to respect women and kid's that are just trying to have a good time. That's all I have to say.~sorrow~

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Take a ride down the river to Mardi Gras!?!?!?!?

OK so tonight is the BIGnight. That's right I'm talking about PROM in Ventura. I just wrote this all out in a really cool way and I accidently deleted all of it so this time I'm writing everything differently. I'm quite excited as tonight is going to be fun. The theme for the night is, "Bourbon St. Ball 2001". We spent most of the day preparing Ventura Theater for the big event. We did our best to make it look like the Mardi Gras fest. I think that we did a good job aside from the fact that I received the nickname, "Hopper" from this girl. She called me that because I could jump high enough to grab the ballons off the ceiling for her. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like nicknames, but Hopper. Oh well, I had fun. Now I need to go and shower so that I can get all spiffy and dressed up. I'll update you later on the happenings of the night as well as tell you about my dasterdly train ride.~sorrow~</html>

Friday, June 22, 2007

OK, so girls aren't so dumb, they just need a lot of help...

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<body [...] text"">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]<html><BODY BACKGROUND="" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT"" LINK="#0080ff" VLINK="#0080ff" ALINK="#0080ff">Hey Hey, I'm sure that you are wondering what is going on with the whole letter thing and all that. I guess I should probably give my side of the story so that you have both sides to compare before you make a decision as to what's going on here. Before I do that, I just want to say that I'm very excited about this weekend because I'm going down to Ventura to visit my friends and attend Jess' prom. Anyhoo and without any further ado, here is my side of what's going on... OK, so her first issue is she feels like I am constantly trying to impress her, or "win her over." To that I say, bullshit, I am just being myself and treating her like a lady deserves to be treated, with respect. First of all, what's wrong with trying to impress a girl. Most girls want to be impressed, maybe not ton's but at least a little bit. I will admit that I was trying to impress her when I tried to go vegetarian and failed miserably, but other than that I was just being myself with her. Alll I want to be with her is good friends, don't get me wrong, if in the future she wanted to hook up I wouldn't say "no." This statement really bothers me, "i really enjoy being with you when you're just being yourself -- that's why i wanted to be your friend in the first place: because of who you were, not what you do or who you know." All that I've ever been since I met her was myself, I've shown her all my quirks and oddities (trust me I have lot's of them.) So I did what I thought was right, was myself, only to be told that I was wrong. She says that I have a tendency to exaggerate, I say who doesn't. If you can tell me that you have never, ever, ever in your life exaggerated a story when you told it because you were excited, because it just slipped out and you were so caught up in the moment that you didn't take the time to correct your mistake. thank you!!! I rest my case, at least for this portion of my response. All I have to say about the, "one-upping," trying to be, "better," or "competetive" was totally misunderstood. When we first started talking I tried to explain to her that I have a really bad sense of humor and in having that bad sense of humor I do things like argue for no reason. I thought that she understood that I was only fooling around. I didn't know that she would misunderstand my foolish attempts to be funny. I'm a dick sometimes I know, but in no way was I attempting to "compete" with her, ever. I care about her tooooooo much. I guess I should sum this poor attempt to defend myself up with this, I really respect her for being honest with me and for having the balls to say it the way she did. My goal for this relationship was to have a fantastic friendship, I never planned for it to get screwed up due to honesty. Like I mentioned in my previous entry, I've been nothing but honest, straightforward, and caring. Now I'm the one that's distant because I feel to awkward to talk to her. I call her everyday only to hang up if someone answers. I feel like a jerk because I'm to much of a chickenshit to do anything about it. I wish that I could just talk to her but I turn into this moronic, scared person that's to afraid to fix his problems by talking to the one person in the whole world that matters to me right now... In light of all that, I've managed to re-meet the most fantastic girl but that's all I'm going to say because I know that it will leave you in suspense....... ~Sorrow~</BODY></HTML>

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I fucking hate girls....

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ok I haven't posted anything public in my journal for quite some time. I'm sorry I'm a jerk like that. I just received the absolute most painful letter that I've ever received in my life. It came from a girl that I really like. She was/is the first girl that I've ever tried to "just be friends" right from the start with. She's the first girl that I've been completely honest with and the first girl that I really wanted to get to know really well before even thinking about thinking of the possibility of dating her. Ok, so here's the letter that really hurt:
 
 
 
hey --
 
i know i've seemed kind of distant lately, but honestly it was on purpose. this probably won't be very eloquently written due to my need to just "get it out". my problem is that i feel like i am constantly trying to be impressed. it just seems as if you are trying really hard to "win me over", or something. i could be totally wrong -- i apologize if i am. i just feel annoyed with it. i could be totally, totally wrong, but from things you've said in the past, i really don't think i am. i just want us to be able to be good friends, not this "i'm trying to impress the girl" thing. i don't really want to give examples, as i find that to (usually) be more harmful than helpful. it just really, really gets on my nerves. i'm just an ordinary person -- i want to have friends, and i don't want to put the burden of being "impressive" on anyone. i really enjoy being with you when you're just being yourself -- that's why i wanted to be your friend in the first place: because of who you were, not what you do or who you know. also, i feel lied to a lot because you have a tendency to exaggerate. i know that you do, so please don't get defensive. i'm really not trying to attack you at all, and i'm sorry if you feel attacked. then, when i point it out, you insist that i'm wrong and that you're right even though i'm sure i'm in the right. and i feel like you try to "one-up" me. for instance, if i say something, i feel like you have to say something better, like we're in competition or something. i don't like it. i don't feel competitive with you; i just want to be your friend. i don't want to feel like i'm being lied to, and i'm sure you're not the kind of person that wants to make anyone feel that way. and i especially don't want to be "one-upped" or "impressed". i just want to have a genuine friendship with a genuine person. and i know you are -- i could be taking things totally wrong. i'm really sorry if i am. but this is really the way i feel, and i hope you'll understand. if this hurts your feelings or offends you, i'm sorry. i just really had to get all of this off my mind. it's really been bothering me. i'm sorry i've been distant, but this is why. you can call me if you want. if you don't wish to call, then please write.
 
thanks -- I'm leaving her name out for her protection.
 
 
OK, so that really hurt. I'm not even going to try and defend myself because I'm so pissed off that I'll just end up cussing a lot and saying stupid meaningless crap. I lied, I'm going to defend myself on one issue, I DID NOT EVER TRY TO IMPRESS YOU, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, DAMNIT. If I was going to try and impress you I would have made a totall ass out of myself. I'm not good at impressing people. I can suck up to adults and get them to trust me enough to allow their kids to go with me to shows and on road trips but thats it. I don't, no I won't say anything else other than, OUCH!!!
 
 
~Sorrow


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Saturday, June 16, 2007

A Simple Nothing...

Last night I had so much fun, we went to a show on Santa Cruz where my brother and I danced it up. We beat the crap out of each other and everyone that came near us. By the time the show was over I was soooo sweaty that both my hoodie and my shirt were soaked in sweat. I know thats pretty gross but who cares. After the show we went to get some dinner at the Saturn Cafe', it's a vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Santa Cruz. I borrowed this girls sweater because I didn't want to wear my sweat soaked shirt in to the place. The sweater was a way to small but thats ok because she said I looked, and I quote, "cute." Today my body just hurts from all the dancing but I don't care because I have another show to go to and dance it up there. I so want to move out, but I need God to provide me with either a second job or an increase in pay at my current place of employment. Oh Oh Oh, I just remembered, today while I was sitting in church the guy that was sitting next to me just happened to speak and write fluent Hebrew, so I know have the words that I need for my half sleeve and for the back of my neck. I'm so excited, I want to get more artwork done but I don't want to get anything done until I move out, just out of respect for my parents. Oh yeah, I also need to get my car fixed before I get any more tattoo's. I found out that the girl I like has a boyfriend but that's ok because all I wanted was friendship and then if we become more than that later on life then cool. I met her boyfriend on friday night and he seems like a really nice guy although I need to educate him on how to be a Tough Guy and how to dance and then he will be "grand like a piano."well that's all for now but I may return later to write some more.~Sorrow

Friday, June 15, 2007

I love the way that girls look at you with that little inquisitive look that makes you smile...

OK well I have not written in here for days upon days, partially because I have been travelling and working so much that I have not been able to find the time to do anything important. OK well let me just start out by saying that I am sooooo emphatuated (sorry I can't spell I'm so happy) with this girl that I feel like a little kid who has just found a treasure and doesn't know what to do with it so he just laughs and smiles and gets all giddy whenever he thinks of that treasure/person I don't think that I have ever been so excited to be attracted to a girl in my life It's kind of funny how I met her and the lame line I used to start the conversation but who care's she talks to me so I'm excited and happy and I just can't get her out of my head This girl has litterally turned my world upside down I'm not going to get my hopes up because if I do and she ends up not having the same feelings that I have for her after we get to know eachother because if/when that happens I'll be heartbroken So if I don't get my hopes up then the hurt of rejection won't be so bad. On a lighter not me and my friend had a really funny conversation about how we are going to start a militant straightedge crew for pimpin' guys that don't get any We've laughed about that for a good three hours now and we are still finding amusement over it I'm sure by now that your have figured out by now that I am no longer depressed or wanting to die I guess that's a good thing A good friend of mine has returned for a couple of days from far away I have not seen her in a while but I'm happy that she was able to spend the weekend with us It's to bad that she has to return to where she came from today I'm sad about that but I'm happy to because she is doing well and getting educated so I'm happy Well I must be going now since I'm not at home if I have time I will update you later on today but don't count on it.-Sorrow-

Falling Forward Has Never Been So Easy...

Ok well I don't have a lot of time to write a whole lot right now but I will be back on tonight so that I can tell you how depressed I really am...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Lost in forever....

Hmmm, I feel dirty today...I stayed up sooooo late last night because I was talking to a friend that needed my help...help, something that I used to be good at giving and doing, but not anymore...my heart constantly feels like it's being broken over and over and over....I had trouble working today. because I was so tired...I am continually in a state of tiredness I need to sleep more but I don't, I think that it's because I'm neglegent when it comes to taking care of my own person...I wish that I could love and feel loved the way that I used to but instead I am lost in a nothingness that never ends, but never began...I've been feeling violent these days to, like I want to kill somebody for no reason and that scares me that I would even think about it...I need to get back to serving God instead of myself....myself, thats all I care about these days and I hate myself, see there I go again only worrying about my own person instead of others, I need to die to myself...If I die, to myself, then and only then can I move forward and make progress...to forge ahead and experience new lands is what I desire...I also desire to spread the Word of God and do everything that I can to see others come to Christ...lost in forever, thats where I am today, in forever...

Monday, June 11, 2007

My heart is hurting....

My heart feels like it was slowly ripped out and thrown on the ground only to be trampled by everyone living in this forsaken world. I hate myself for reasons that I don't want to say. I suck when it comes to love, friendship, and just about everyother thing involved in normal relationships. I guess I just need to die....

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Love...nothing but a second hand emotion

It's been a couple of day's since I have written. I apologize for my last entry, I was quite angry and bitter when I wrote it. I had just been kicked out of my house, but that situation has been resolved and all is well. I miss this girl that I know, she's really special to me. I always feel complete when I am around her and that's a very rare thing for me. I guess what I really want is to feel that way all the time but that's not possible do to some events that have happened in the past. I will never be able to have a normal relationship because of those events and I hate the person(s) that did it to me. If I could find that person/people that ruined me I would dig their eyes out with my fingers. I am so full of rage these days that I am afraid of what will happen if I blow up on someone. Enough about my anger problems though. Today as I was driving home I almost got in an accident, it would have really sucked to because the wreck would have been my fault. Oh well, I gave someone a really bad scare but escaped unharmed. My heart is yearning for that special someone to show up one day so that I can get married. I really want to get married,even though I am 18 definitely could not support my family all that well yet, i really want to get married.

xdeadtolifex

Friday, June 29, 2007

GO TO THIS SHOW!!!

Thursday, June 28, 2007

Random Conversation with Nick A.D.D.

Monday, June 25, 2007

I have balls of steel....

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Fuck Sacto Kids...

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Take a ride down the river to Mardi Gras!?!?!?!?

Friday, June 22, 2007

OK, so girls aren't so dumb, they just need a lot of help...

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I fucking hate girls....

Saturday, June 16, 2007

A Simple Nothing...

Friday, June 15, 2007

I love the way that girls look at you with that little inquisitive look that makes you smile...

Falling Forward Has Never Been So Easy...

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Lost in forever....

Monday, June 11, 2007

My heart is hurting....

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Love...nothing but a second hand emotion

Love...nothing but a second hand emotion

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