Shedding Tears for the Dead

So I woke up this morning to my dad screaming at me through the floor telling my to turn my televison on. Being lethargic and slow in the morning it took me a while to start sitting up. Apparently it was to long for my dad because he came down to my room, turned my television on and told me to watch the news. Our nation was attacked by an unknown terrorist force today. The world trade center is no longer in existance. Both towers had seperate Boeing Jets crash into them knocking them to the ground. On top of that another boeing jet crashed into the pentagon. To top it off a final boeing jet crash landed somewhere in Indiana. What the fuck is wrong with people. What the hell makes them hate our nation so much that they have to kill thousands upon thousands of people in such a cowardly way. I think we need to nuke the shit out of the middle east until we know that all the terrorist forces there are no longer in existance. I've been trying to get ahold of my good friend that lives in NY all day to no avail. If she's dead I'll cry. Those of you that know me, know that I don't ever cry. Fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!XXX sorrow XXXShed a tear for the dead

Sittin' on my thumb, spinnin' circles, weeeeeeh....

001. Favorite band(s)? Currently, Lowlife, Jimmy Eat World, and Dr. Dre 002. Do you enjoy concerts? yes003. What was the last concert you attended? Quest For Quintana Roo, The Lab Rats, Scissor Hands, and some other bands. 004. Music you couldn't live without? Tough Guy Hardcore 005. Kind of music that would fall off the face of the earth and you wouldn't care nor miss it? Country006. About how many CDs do you own? Well based on my last count 273007. How many CDs can your stereo hold at a time? 5008. Do you have a discman? yes009. What CD could you listen to for hours? Anything Hardcore010. Can you sing well? I can carry a tune and I screamHow many CDs do you own by... 011. Britney Spears? 0012. City High? 0013. O-Town? 0014. Eminem? 2015. Incubus? 1016. Blink 182? 0017. Everclear? 0018. Mandy Moore? 0019. Backstreet Boys? 0020. N'Sync? 0021. Dr. Dre? 1022. Fuel? 0023. Linkin Park? 0024. Destiny's Child? 0025. Dream? 0026. Korn? 0, Thank God…027. Limp Bizkit? 0028. Missy Elliot? 0029. Nelly Furtado? 0030. Jessica Simpson? 0031. Christina Aguliera? Technically one, she’s on a comp that I have. 032. Eve 6? 0033. Sum 41? 0034. No Doubt? 0035. Mariah Carey? 0What comes to your mind when you hear... 036. Goo Goo Dolls? that song from city of angels037. Lifehouse? What a stupid name038. Vertical Horizon? That movie039. Vitamin C? ho040. LFO? Nothing041. Savage Garden? Broken Heart042. Papa Roach? Lame ass, local wannabe hardcore band043. The Bloodhound Gang? You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals 044. Toni Braxton? ho045. 98 Degrees? nothing046. Our Lady Peace? nothing047. The Verve Pipe? That one song that me and luke used to like048. Craig David? WHO? 049. Willa Ford? Cars050. Aqua? Barbie051. 311? Racism052. Mikalia? nothing053. The Fugees? wycliffeEither or... 054. Britney or Christina? Christina055. Punk or rock? rock056. Edited or un-edited? un edited057. Backstreet Boys or N'Sync? N'SYNC 058. Nick or Justin? justin059. Live or on TV? live060. Amphitheater or arena? arean061. Live band or recorded tape? liveand the last one:+@ the Moment+*Wallet: black LEATHER biker snap wallet with a flaming skull on it*Hairbrush: I don’t have any hair*Toothbrush: White, blue, and sea green*Jewelry worn daily: all my body piercing jewelry, necklace, and expensive Citizen Eco-Drive Watch*Socks: Don’t leave home with out ‘em*Pillow cover: leopard print*Coffee cup: I don’t have one. *Sunglasses: no*Shoes: Old School Black and White Adidas, White and Blue Saucony, and a couple pairs of converse*Nail polish: none*Handbag: dark gray dickies messanger bag*Keychain: a little raver light*Favourite top: whatever hoodie I happen to have on*Favourite pants: my dark gray dickies*Soap: Raspberry Body Wash*Perfume: Pi by Givenchy or Clinique Happy*CD in stereo right now: Elliot Smith, Lowlife, Dr. Dre, West Coast Wordwide Comp, and Jimmy Eat World’s new CD. *Tattoos: 3: Matching flaming hearts with nautical star wrap on my ankles and a flaming trinity symbol with a gray burst the back ground on my right shoulder*Piercings: Currently 3 but Jessicore’s gonna change that. *Physical: skinny as all hell but athletic and tall*Crew: 510 Death Crew, N.C.H.C. and I’m associated with a few others but not an official member…yet. XXX sorrow XXXNever Sell Out *510 D.C.*

MMMMMMMM surveeeeeeys......

1. Do you own any plaid clothing? yes2. Do you own Converse shoes? Yes, 3 pairs.3. Do you own Saucony shoes? Yes.4. Do you own old school Nikes? Nope5. Do you wear tight pants? On occasion6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants? Nope7. Do you know what a squatter flap is? Yes8. Do you own a messenger bag? Yes I do.9. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest? how else would I wear it?10. Do you own braces? No. 11. Are there braces worn anywhere besides the mouth? sometimes I wear an ankle brace.12. Do you have short, shaggy hair? I don't have any hair.13. Does your hairstyle exceed a height of 3 inches? Definately not.14. Would you classify your hair as a deadly weapon? I don't have any, anywhere!!!15. Do you think mohawks are "neat"? Only when they are like Briano's with some dreds to add character.I guess I'm not too cool with mohawks,just dreds.16. Is your hair black or red? Nope.17. Do you have a favorite brand of hair dye? Nope.18. Do you own a bandana? Yes.Many.19. Do you wear plugs in your ears? Yes, I have some white, 1/2" plugs20. Are you amused by safety pins? I hate those things.21. Have you ever used duct tape as a sewing substitute? Nope.22. Do you own one or more objects with studs or spikes in them? No.I do have a bag full of studs that just sits in my drawer for when I go punk rock.23. Do you own one or more articles of clothing from Dogpile, Lip Service, or Tiger of London? No I do not.24. Do you enjoy leopard print? Yes I have leopard print sheets, woo hoo.HABITS/BELIEFS: 25. Are you disgruntled (having a general hate for everything)? Not for everything.But yes,I do have alot of hate.26. Are you an anarchist? No.27. Does the American flag anger you? No.Praising Christopher Columbus angers me.That guy should have been shot in the head execution style.28. Are you "working class"? Yes I am.Since 13 years of age.29. Do you dislike "preps"? I dislike stupid preps,but I dislike alot of hardcore kids and alot of everything else.All humans are assholes,right?30. Do you dislike Hot Topic? I'm always in Hot Topic.Atleast the one in Berkeley.I always have to bother Sam and that cute girl that's been married twice.31. Do you smoke cigarettes? XXX true till death XXX32. Do you smoke cloves? Fuck no.33. Are you a thin waif? yep?34. Are you vegan/vegetarian? nope, I'm MEATEDGE.35. Do you think meat is murder? I think abortion is murder.36. Do your nighttime activites usually involve drunken underage vomiting? Yes,minus the drunken part.37. Have you ever slept in an alley or park? Yes.38. Do you wash your hair less than once a week? Nope.39. Have you ever gone a week without a shower? Yes.40. Have you ever been avoided due to your odor? I don't think so.41. Do you know who Jack Kerouac is? Yes.42. Do you like Mr. Kerouac? No, I hate his punk ass.43. Should Mumia Abu-jamal be freed from prison? Nope, he should be shot, hee hee.44. Are you a member of MOC? Only for the girls.SPEECH:45. Do you say "rad"? Yes.46. Do you say "rockin'"? No.47. Do you say punk "rawk"? No. 48. Do you spout the word "oi" at random times? Only when I'm listening to Apples in Stereo.49. Do you say "punk's not dead"? Nope.50. Do you say "punk is dead"? No,but pink is red.Last and least important-MUSIC: 51. Do you like bands with "." in their name? Who has "." in thier name?52. Do you like bands with "theory" in their name? I can't think of any bands that I like with "theory" in thier name,so I guess that's a no.53. Do you like bands with "the"? It doesn't matter,it's just a name.54. Do you ever precede your own name with "the" at the beginning? Nope.55. Do you like bands with the F word in their name or album title? Sometimes.56. Do you think "Christian punk" is an oxymoron? Nope.57. Are Blink 182 fans "posers"? What is a poser these days.There is nothing new under the sun,that would mean none of us are original,that would mean all of us are posing something.58. Do you have frequent debates over what exactly constitutes a sellout? Nope.59. Have you ever brought the headlining band food? No way, they can get their own damn food I'm broke enough as it is.60. Do you have show flyers affixed to your walls? Yes, my walls are covered in them.I slept well until I got awakened by a very attractive Hawaiian chick. XXX sorrow XXX

Got my car back

I got my car back, it only cost me $200.00 to get it back. I guess the judicial system decided that I have to pay because I'm the dumb ass that let someone steal my car. It's going to cost me anywhere from $1500-2000 just to make my car street legal again. Maybe more I haven't finished finding all the parts that I need to put it back to together and I haven't accounted for the cost of labor to put it back together. I hope that I catch the guy that did it. If I do I'm going to cut his eyes out so that he can never look at another car again. That's all for now other than I want to see my girlfriend.XXX sorrow XXXP.S. Everyone should check this website out it's great. XXX

I feel like a dumb ass....

Well FUCK ME!!! My car got stolen last night while I was sleeping!!! I'll tell you more when I know more.

Lack of sight leads to violence in men...

DUMB, FUCKIN' SKIN HEADS!!! I was driving back to the shop today and this punk ass skin head was blocking the road with his over sized, "I have a little penis" truck. Apparently there was as school bus that had stopped and had it's stop sign sticking out into the road, but I couldn't see it. So after debating whether or not to honk (couldn't get around him) I lightly tapped the horn and gave a little honk. The guy turned around, looked at me, started yelling and began to get out of his PePe Le Punnie truck, only he fell. I'm sure that his falling didn't improve the situation, because everyone was laughing at him. By the time he got to my car he was beet red all over (I only know this because he wasn't wearing a shirt so that he could show off his poorly done tattoo's). He proceeded to grab me by the back of my head, pull my head out the window and educate me as to why he was not moving. I very calmly (only because me head was still in his grasp) explained to him that I had not see the bus and that if I had I would not have signaled him to go. He told me to go back to driving school. Being the idiot that I am, I mumbled (to myself), that he was stupid fuck. No harm done, right? WRONG!!!! He heard me, called me out to fight, to which I very happily declined, although I know that I could have taken him on his own it was the other 4 guys in the truck that worried me. We exchanged some words, he drove away, I followed behind him until I reached my destination and everything was fine. Moving right along... Here's what has been going on in my life over the past few days, errr since my last post. I have a new cell phone, yay for me. I still really (strong emphasis on that really part) like my girlfriend. The itch to travel is getting stronger by the second. I can't want for Rocky to get here because then me and Kanashii will have another partner in crime. My chinchilla is going crazy in it 's cage I should let her out for a while but I'm to lazy. James, I'm still gunnin' for your bitch ass! Oh yeah, I still cuss to much, but I'm getting better at not doing it as often. Need more ink thats all for now.XXXsorrowXXXP.S. Have ever wondered what it would be like to swim, naked, in a bowl of jello?Yeah well you're a real sicko!

Sex is funny....

I randomly happened onto Buddyhead.com's sex advice "sex"tion of their website. Being the curious teenager that I am I decided to read a little bit of what they had to say. All I have to say is that I read some of the funniest letters that I've ever read in my life. Heres an example (it appears courtest of Buddyhead.com)Marko,Ok here's the deal. My girlfriend and I were partaking in a night of sexual pleasures and you know, sometimes it gets pretty crazy. Well she was on top and, she went up a little too far (I guess she didn't realize my cock isn't a foot high). Well when she came down things didn't line up. When she came down I felt something pop and tremendous pain. So I waited a few seconds and everything was fine so we finished the deed and laid back to enjoy ourselves then when I turned on the light I realized blood...all over. On me, on her and on the sheets. Then when I peed a blood clot came out and then everything looked fine... Now here's the question. Do you think everything is fine down there? Should I get it checked out? Brad Ohh. That's probably one of the worst mishaps one can make while going at it frantically. It's happened to me once or twice (though not as severe it seems), and I still have nightmares (Women, take your finger, and pretend its 1000 times more sensitive for a moment. Now, point it straight up to the sky. With your other hand, grab the nearest big ass gnarly hammer you can find and smash down on the tip of your finger really hard like you are hitting a nail. This is as close as you can get to experiencing the pain of what poor Brad just described. You could also point your finger straight out in front of you and run really fast into a cinder block wall, though that would look simply ridiculous). Well, because it's been while since I received your email Brad, I would imagine that either, (a) your now broken unit withered and fell off, or (b) you eventually went to see a dick doctor (hopefully). Most likely you ruptured a bunch of important vessels and other penis functuary (yes functuary) things inside that shaft of yours, and they need to be fixed rather than letting them fix themselves (possibly causing permanent damage [i.e. Dear Marko, I can't get it up anymore], though I am no brain surgeon [pun, yes]). Hey Brad, I shot blood out my dick, do you think I should go see a doctor? Sounds pretty silly doesn't it. I'd go with the instincts Brad, as you seem like a pretty intelligent fellow. On a side note: Women, most guys dicks aren't "a foot high" as Brad put it (bless you if you've found one), and it hurts a lot when they get "compound fractured" so try to be more careful (i.e. keep it inside) when you are on top. Guys, you should know your limitations. If you pull out too far when you are on top and jam the tip into that pocket between her stuff and her inner thigh, it's your own damn fault for thinking you had more length than you actually do. Markoso yeah, that made me laugh harder than I have laughed in a long time. Someone forgot to send me a letter last night (hint hint, you know who you are). Anyhoo I stepped in dog piss so I'm going to go and take a shower, I'll probably write more later. XXX death before dihonor XXX James I'm going to kill you and then, when you're dead, I'm going to kill you again just to make sure!!!

Screaming Infidelities...

Why is it that on the one day that's supposed to be special to you, the one day that's supposed to be a celebration of your existence, you're the one person that matters least to everyone? I hate birthdays (well at least when I'm the one that's having one)! I really didn't expect to do anything for my birthday and that was totally fine by me. I've avoided having any kind of party for the last two years and I figured a third year of the same wouldn't hurt. Well me mom decided to throw me a "surprise party" yesterday (08/18/2001). It ended up being a lot of fun I was very pleased. However today, I felt shunned and unimportant. My friends just bitched and moaned about how they wasted their weekend here at my house instead of going to Sac. to see a friend that's moving to Israel for a year. The same friend that is coming down to the bay area for a few days and want's to hang out with us while she's in the area. Needless to say, it kind of put a downer on my day. The only gift that I got this year was from Dave (thanks a lot man!), he gave the a Commin' Correct CD that I didn't have yet. I really hate to complain this much because I'm really not much of a complainer unless I'm whining about getting hurt and I do that more or less so that I can show off whatever battle wound I happen to have at the time. I guess another part of this B-day sadness is that someone that is special to me is sad and I can't do anything to help because they need to work it out on their own...I think that I may move to Hawaii sooner than planned just because I need to get out of my house and spread my wings a bit. I got a speeding ticket on friday night it sucked. We almost got caught by the cops painting on friday night too but we were to crafty for them (run away, run away). I think that my parent's are going take me out to dinner tomorrow night, that would be really nice to just go out with them and spend some quality time together because we haven't done that in quite some time. My dad is really intimidating, he scares me. Everytime he tells me that he wants to talk to me or asks if I have a minute I always get nervous as if I was in big trouble. The funny thing about all of that is that I haven't done anything bad...I saw American Pie 2 tonight. It was sooooooooooooooo funny. I loved it. I drew a neato piece today for next weekend. I'm broke, oh well.We Climbed Chaos We Turned Time. Come a little closer so I can hear music again. Compose for me a dream made by eyes and lips. Make melodies with the wind blowing in your hair. I feel vulnerable - Barefeet. This emotional mess we've made - Broken Glass. I feel pain - Bleeding. xLUNEx XXX death before dishonor XXX

Seperation Anxiety....

My brother left for Texas early this morning. I'm just now finally realizing that I'm not going to see him for at least one year maybe longer if I take off and tour the world for a while. On a good note my brother gave me his stereo for the time being. Oh, my friends band On The Might Of Princes stayed with me for the weekend it was a lot of fun. Sunday I was rudely awakened to a beating with plastic baseball bats. Bastards. My Birthday is on Sunday and I'm not excited at all. I hate birthday's all that happens is I get depressed and have to act happy on a day that sucks. Maybe it's because my b-days have been pretty depressing for the last three years and I'm not looking forward to this one at all. I am looking forward to getting more ink. Heres a poem that a friend of mine wrote I think it's pretty cool but that's because I know the story behind it. I dedicate this to my grandfather because he's the reason that I'll forever have trouble with relationships. i want to slash your tires maybe your throat. i want to burn the bitter memories to ashes and pour them over your dead corpse. you do not deserve to live, for i know you will suffocate on your own hot breath. for you are like a pig sent to the slaughter house. i'd drink your blood just so i could spit it out. that brick you threw will now come back to you. I guess that's all I have to say for now accept that I'm still going to deliver that package to Hawaii. Hi XjessicoreXXXX death before dishonor XXX

XXX dont ever lose the edge XXX

I FOUND STRAIGHT EDGE SHAMPOOOOOOOOOO today!!!!!!!!!! It's for straightening out curly hair, ha ha ha. The same company also makes a shampoo called Integrity!! How rad is that?!?!? I have to aquire oooodles and oooodles of the sXe shampoo so that I can get mad scene points, hee hee. Anyhoo my belly is squishy in a hard way. Anyhoo I'm happy now. Bye Bye!!!<3 <3 <3 xX253XxXXX straight edge shampoo for you too XXX

XXX dont ever lose the edge XXX

I FOUND STRAIGHT EDGE SHAMPOOOOOOOOOO today!!!!!!!!!! It's for straightening out curly hair, ha ha ha. The same company also makes a shampoo called Integrity!! How rad is that?!?!? I have to aquire oooodles and oooodles of the sXe shampoo so that I can get mad scene points, hee hee. Anyhoo my belly is squishy in a hard way. Anyhoo I'm happy now. Bye Bye!!!<3 <3 <3 xX253XxXXX straight edge shampoo for you too XXX

*Death B4 Dishonor*

So, Hawaii 5-0 returned to her rock today. I feel so bad for her. I think that I'm going to have to adventure over to her desolate rock and deliver some flowers. I had an interesting day today, I went to work, did nothing. I wanted to get my car smogged but my boss (my dad) wouldn't let me off early enough. I came home, shaved 1/4 of my body, I'll shave the other 3/4 tomorrow when I have more time. After showering I went downstairs got dressed, got on the computer and talked to My Girlfriend for a little bit online (she's a hot mamma jamma). After she signed off I hung out with Ben and Lindsey for a little bit. Then I came home. I've been sitting at the computer ever since. I need to get out of California for a little bit just so that I can try and figure out what I'm going to do with my life. I doubt that I will but I sure would like to. No more relying on my dad for employment. No more wasting my weekends looking for happiness at some show. No more striving to earn money and pay off my incomprehensible debt. Maybe it's just wishfull thinking. Ahh well, I think that I'll just shut my mouth and go back to living my 9-5er life looking for some sort of fulfillment from things that I know won't fill the void that only Jesus can fill. I need to get right with Him again. I'm going to end this entry before I start to consider letting tears flow from my eyes. Damn my emotionless heart.XXX death before dishonor XXX

Speed Racing into Your Heart...

Yay for me I got a new car. It's a pimpin "Rice Rocket." It still needs a paint job and more engine work but it's totally pimpin'! I'm going to get a big enough loan so that I can pay off all my debt, my parent's, and finish all of the engine work as well as the paint job. I don't think that I'm going back to school this semester but I'll go for the spring semester. I also really like my girlfriend but that's a whole other story <3. Anyhoo I'm going to go and teach myself to drive my car since I don't know how to drive a stick and I need to learn how. XXX sorrow XXX

Back from the Depths of hardcore hipocracy?

SO I'm back from TOM Fest, the anti-hardcore, anti-tough guy, anti-good band fest of the year. None-the-less, we made it fun and met some of the raddest kids on the world, including X253X whom happened to be the most fantastic person that I've had the privilege of meeting in a long time (If you're reading this, "Hi" <3). I finally aquired the weapon that I've been trying to get for months, yay for me!!! hee hee....anyhoo enough with this entry I need to brush my teeth and go to bed. ~XXX Till the Day I Die XXX~

A random "Fuck You!"

html>I recently received a letter addressed to "Sorrow" it was very straight forward and to the point: Dear Sorrow:After meeting you all I have to say is this, FUCK YOU! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCK! I HOPE YOUR PUNK ASS GETS SHOT AND THAT YOU DIE A LONG SLOW FUCKED UP DEATH, FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!Sincerely,A person that wishes death on you and yours!I found that letter to be somewhat bizzare since I don't really know who sent the letter and honestly I don't want to know. hmmmm, oh well.[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<br.~sorrow~>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]html><body><font size="+2" color="#ff80ff" face="Chiller">I recently received a letter addressed to "Sorrow" it was very straight forward and to the point:<br><br> Dear Sorrow:<br>After meeting you all I have to say is this, <B>FUCK YOU! YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A STUPID FUCK! I HOPE YOUR PUNK ASS GETS SHOT AND THAT YOU DIE A LONG SLOW FUCKED UP DEATH, FUCK YOU MOTHER FUCKER!!!</b><BR>Sincerely,<br>A person that wishes death on you and yours!<br><br>I found that letter to be somewhat bizzare since I don't really know who sent the letter and honestly I don't want to know. hmmmm, oh well.<br><br><br.~sorrow~</font></body></html>

in regards to the show....

I just spoke with the gentleman that told me not to go and we straighened everything out so now all of you have to go.~sorrow~

Depression sets in and life comes to an end...

I'm depressed...maybe I'll just shoot myself and end this depression called, "the teenage life."...If I'm not out doing something to distract myself I just sit in the dark and listen to sad music...to much drama...i feel incomplete...I'm reaching the point of feeling desperate for a friend that will make me feel loved instead of made fun of...fuck it, I'll just move to a random place in the world and live alone...relationships/friendships only lead to heartache...time to go sit in the dark again...~sorrow~

Depression sets in and life comes to an end...

I'm depressed...maybe I'll just shoot myself and end this depression called, "the teenage life."...If I'm not out doing something to distract myself I just sit in the dark and listen to sad music...to much drama...i feel incomplete...I'm reaching the point of feeling desperate for a friend that will make me feel loved instead of made fun of...fuck it, I'll just move to a random place in the world and live alone...relationships/friendships only lead to heartache...time to go sit in the dark again...~sorrow~

GO TO THIS SHOW!!!

Everyone go to this show it will be awesome even though I'm not allowed to be there.Sunday June 24th Dublin California END OF THE YEAR BASH Come Celebrate the End of the School Year with: Bound To Happen Afraid of Water Figure4 Through It All Flinch Factor$5 ALL AGES at Valley Christian Center 7500 Inspiration Drive Dublin California Use www.mapquest.com for more info</h4>~sorrow~

Random Conversation with Nick A.D.D.

Czarnickerman: I am going to Safeway now, as I am a total idiot., SoRrowFoundmE: ok bye Auto response from Czarnickerman: I am going to shoot you in the face.

I have balls of steel....

OK well today I let Nick Cook drive my car for a while because he's learing how to drive for the first time at age 21!!! He likes to ride on the shoulder of the road. It's kind of scary. Anyhoo nothing bad happened. I'm borrowing a new tail light from another dodge dart. I have to pick up tonight.~sorrow~

Fuck Sacto Kids...

I use the term loosely, of course, (see title) but I fucking hate some of those kids. Tonight I was at a show in sacto at Mike Hoods place and the show went sour.My friend from out of town was there dancing it and just totally having a good time. Some dick faced jack ass decided that she was "making fun of the way that his friends dance." I've been at almost every show that she's been at down her and she dances the same way every fuckin' time. Then, the guy tried to hit her whenever he danced in her direction, which only complicated things more. She stood up for herself and things just blew up. I hate that guy and all of his friends. They didn't hurt her at all, but that's not the point, he would have if he could have. If you have to beat up a girl to feel tough, or like you have a big dick or something, fuck you. I so wish that he wasn't a sacto kid, hell I lost so much respect for all of all of the kids out there. It's like they hate white pride and all that but they're totally down for beating up girls, fuck that. I don't care how deep they're roots are or how deep they go, they need to learn to respect women and kid's that are just trying to have a good time. That's all I have to say.~sorrow~

Take a ride down the river to Mardi Gras!?!?!?!?

OK so tonight is the BIGnight. That's right I'm talking about PROM in Ventura. I just wrote this all out in a really cool way and I accidently deleted all of it so this time I'm writing everything differently. I'm quite excited as tonight is going to be fun. The theme for the night is, "Bourbon St. Ball 2001". We spent most of the day preparing Ventura Theater for the big event. We did our best to make it look like the Mardi Gras fest. I think that we did a good job aside from the fact that I received the nickname, "Hopper" from this girl. She called me that because I could jump high enough to grab the ballons off the ceiling for her. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like nicknames, but Hopper. Oh well, I had fun. Now I need to go and shower so that I can get all spiffy and dressed up. I'll update you later on the happenings of the night as well as tell you about my dasterdly train ride.~sorrow~</html>

OK, so girls aren't so dumb, they just need a lot of help...

[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<body [...] text"">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]<html><BODY BACKGROUND="" BGCOLOR="#000000" TEXT"" LINK="#0080ff" VLINK="#0080ff" ALINK="#0080ff"><font size="+2" color="#ff80ff" face="Chiller">Hey Hey,<br><br> I'm sure that you are wondering what is going on with the whole letter thing and all that. I guess I should probably give <b>my side of the story</b> so that you have both sides to compare before you make a decision as to what's going on here. Before I do that, I just want to say that I'm very excited about this weekend because I'm going down to Ventura to visit my friends and attend Jess' prom. Anyhoo and without any further ado, here is my side of what's going on...<br><br> <b>OK</B>, so her first issue is she feels like I am constantly trying to impress her, or "win her over." To that I say, <b>bullshit</b>, I am just being myself and treating her like a lady deserves to be treated, with respect. First of all, what's wrong with trying to impress a girl. Most girls want to be impressed, maybe not ton's but at least a little bit. I will admit that I was trying to impress her when I tried to go vegetarian and failed miserably, but other than that <b>I was just being myself with her</b>. Alll I want to be with her is good friends, don't get me wrong, if in the future she wanted to hook up I wouldn't say "no."<br><br> This statement really bothers me, <b>"i really enjoy being with you when you're just being yourself -- that's why i wanted to be your friend in the first place: because of who you were, not what you do or who you know."</b> All that I've ever been since I met her was myself, I've shown her all my quirks and oddities (trust me I have lot's of them.) So I did what I thought was right, was myself, only to be told that <b>I was wrong</b>.<br><br> She says that I have a tendency to exaggerate, I say who doesn't. If you can tell me that you have <b>never, ever, ever</b> in your life exaggerated a story when you told it because you were excited, because it just slipped out and you were so caught up in the moment that you didn't take the time to correct your mistake. <B>thank you!!!</b> I rest my case, at least for this portion of my response.<br><br> All I have to say about the, "one-upping," trying to be, "better," or "competetive" was <u>totally misunderstood</u>. When we first started talking I tried to explain to her that I have a really bad sense of humor and in having that bad sense of humor I do things like argue for no reason. I thought that she understood that I was only fooling around. I didn't know that she would misunderstand my foolish attempts to be funny. I'm a dick sometimes I know, but in no way was I attempting to "compete" with her, ever. <b>I care about her</b> tooooooo much.<br><br> I guess I should sum this poor attempt to defend myself up with this, I really <b>respect</b> her for being honest with me and for having the balls to say it the way she did. My goal for this relationship was to have a fantastic friendship, I never planned for it to get <b>screwed</b> up due to honesty. Like I mentioned in my previous entry, I've been nothing but honest, straightforward, and caring. Now I'm the one that's distant because I feel to awkward to talk to her. I call her everyday only to hang up if someone answers. I feel like a jerk because <b><u>I'm to much of a chickenshit</u></b> to do anything about it. I wish that I could just talk to her but I turn into this moronic, scared person that's to afraid to fix his problems by talking to the one person in the whole world that matters to me right now...<br><br> In light of all that, I've managed to re-meet the most fantastic girl but that's all I'm going to say because I know that it will leave you in <u>suspense</u>.......<br><br>~Sorrow~</font></BODY></HTML>

I fucking hate girls....

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ok I haven't posted anything public in my journal for quite some time. I'm sorry I'm a jerk like that. I just received the absolute most painful letter that I've ever received in my life. It came from a girl that I really like. She was/is the first girl that I've ever tried to "just be friends" right from the start with. She's the first girl that I've been completely honest with and the first girl that I really wanted to get to know really well before even thinking about thinking of the possibility of dating her. Ok, so here's the letter that really hurt:
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hey --
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i know i've seemed kind of distant lately, but honestly it was on purpose. this probably won't be very eloquently written due to my need to just "get it out". my problem is that i feel like i am constantly trying to be impressed. it just seems as if you are trying really hard to "win me over", or something. i could be totally wrong -- i apologize if i am. i just feel annoyed with it. i could be totally, totally wrong, but from things you've said in the past, i really don't think i am. i just want us to be able to be good friends, not this "i'm trying to impress the girl" thing. i don't really want to give examples, as i find that to (usually) be more harmful than helpful. it just really, really gets on my nerves. i'm just an ordinary person -- i want to have friends, and i don't want to put the burden of being "impressive" on anyone. i really enjoy being with you when you're just being yourself -- that's why i wanted to be your friend in the first place: because of who you were, not what you do or who you know. also, i feel lied to a lot because you have a tendency to exaggerate. i know that you do, so please don't get defensive. i'm really not trying to attack you at all, and i'm sorry if you feel attacked. then, when i point it out, you insist that i'm wrong and that you're right even though i'm sure i'm in the right. and i feel like you try to "one-up" me. for instance, if i say something, i feel like you have to say something better, like we're in competition or something. i don't like it. i don't feel competitive with you; i just want to be your friend. i don't want to feel like i'm being lied to, and i'm sure you're not the kind of person that wants to make anyone feel that way. and i especially don't want to be "one-upped" or "impressed". i just want to have a genuine friendship with a genuine person. and i know you are -- i could be taking things totally wrong. i'm really sorry if i am. but this is really the way i feel, and i hope you'll understand. if this hurts your feelings or offends you, i'm sorry. i just really had to get all of this off my mind. it's really been bothering me. i'm sorry i've been distant, but this is why. you can call me if you want. if you don't wish to call, then please write.
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thanks -- I'm leaving her name out for her protection.
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OK, so that really hurt. I'm not even going to try and defend myself because I'm so pissed off that I'll just end up cussing a lot and saying stupid meaningless crap. I lied, I'm going to defend myself on one issue, I DID NOT EVER TRY TO IMPRESS YOU, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, DAMNIT. If I was going to try and impress you I would have made a totall ass out of myself. I'm not good at impressing people. I can suck up to adults and get them to trust me enough to allow their kids to go with me to shows and on road trips but thats it. I don't, no I won't say anything else other than, <font size="+4">OUCH!!!</font>
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~Sorrow
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A Simple Nothing...

Last night I had so much fun, we went to a show on Santa Cruz where my brother and I danced it up. We beat the crap out of each other and everyone that came near us. By the time the show was over I was soooo sweaty that both my hoodie and my shirt were soaked in sweat. I know thats pretty gross but who cares. After the show we went to get some dinner at the Saturn Cafe', it's a vegetarian/vegan restaurant in Santa Cruz. I borrowed this girls sweater because I didn't want to wear my sweat soaked shirt in to the place. The sweater was a way to small but thats ok because she said I looked, and I quote, "cute." Today my body just hurts from all the dancing but I don't care because I have another show to go to and dance it up there. I so want to move out, but I need God to provide me with either a second job or an increase in pay at my current place of employment. Oh Oh Oh, I just remembered, today while I was sitting in church the guy that was sitting next to me just happened to speak and write fluent Hebrew, so I know have the words that I need for my half sleeve and for the back of my neck. I'm so excited, I want to get more artwork done but I don't want to get anything done until I move out, just out of respect for my parents. Oh yeah, I also need to get my car fixed before I get any more tattoo's. I found out that the girl I like has a boyfriend but that's ok because all I wanted was friendship and then if we become more than that later on life then cool. I met her boyfriend on friday night and he seems like a really nice guy although I need to educate him on how to be a Tough Guy and how to dance and then he will be "grand like a piano."well that's all for now but I may return later to write some more.~Sorrow

I love the way that girls look at you with that little inquisitive look that makes you smile...

OK well I have not written in here for days upon days, partially because I have been travelling and working so much that I have not been able to find the time to do anything important. OK well let me just start out by saying that I am sooooo emphatuated (sorry I can't spell I'm so happy) with this girl that I feel like a little kid who has just found a treasure and doesn't know what to do with it so he just laughs and smiles and gets all giddy whenever he thinks of that treasure/person I don't think that I have ever been so excited to be attracted to a girl in my life It's kind of funny how I met her and the lame line I used to start the conversation but who care's she talks to me so I'm excited and happy and I just can't get her out of my head This girl has litterally turned my world upside down I'm not going to get my hopes up because if I do and she ends up not having the same feelings that I have for her after we get to know eachother because if/when that happens I'll be heartbroken So if I don't get my hopes up then the hurt of rejection won't be so bad. On a lighter not me and my friend had a really funny conversation about how we are going to start a militant straightedge crew for pimpin' guys that don't get any We've laughed about that for a good three hours now and we are still finding amusement over it I'm sure by now that your have figured out by now that I am no longer depressed or wanting to die I guess that's a good thing A good friend of mine has returned for a couple of days from far away I have not seen her in a while but I'm happy that she was able to spend the weekend with us It's to bad that she has to return to where she came from today I'm sad about that but I'm happy to because she is doing well and getting educated so I'm happy Well I must be going now since I'm not at home if I have time I will update you later on today but don't count on it.-Sorrow-

Falling Forward Has Never Been So Easy...

Ok well I don't have a lot of time to write a whole lot right now but I will be back on tonight so that I can tell you how depressed I really am...

Lost in forever....

Hmmm, I feel dirty today...I stayed up sooooo late last night because I was talking to a friend that needed my help...help, something that I used to be good at giving and doing, but not anymore...my heart constantly feels like it's being broken over and over and over....I had trouble working today. because I was so tired...I am continually in a state of tiredness I need to sleep more but I don't, I think that it's because I'm neglegent when it comes to taking care of my own person...I wish that I could love and feel loved the way that I used to but instead I am lost in a nothingness that never ends, but never began...I've been feeling violent these days to, like I want to kill somebody for no reason and that scares me that I would even think about it...I need to get back to serving God instead of myself....myself, thats all I care about these days and I hate myself, see there I go again only worrying about my own person instead of others, I need to die to myself...If I die, to myself, then and only then can I move forward and make progress...to forge ahead and experience new lands is what I desire...I also desire to spread the Word of God and do everything that I can to see others come to Christ...lost in forever, thats where I am today, in forever...

My heart is hurting....

My heart feels like it was slowly ripped out and thrown on the ground only to be trampled by everyone living in this forsaken world. I hate myself for reasons that I don't want to say. I suck when it comes to love, friendship, and just about everyother thing involved in normal relationships. I guess I just need to die....

Love...nothing but a second hand emotion

It's been a couple of day's since I have written. I apologize for my last entry, I was quite angry and bitter when I wrote it. I had just been kicked out of my house, but that situation has been resolved and all is well. I miss this girl that I know, she's really special to me. I always feel complete when I am around her and that's a very rare thing for me. I guess what I really want is to feel that way all the time but that's not possible do to some events that have happened in the past. I will never be able to have a normal relationship because of those events and I hate the person(s) that did it to me. If I could find that person/people that ruined me I would dig their eyes out with my fingers. I am so full of rage these days that I am afraid of what will happen if I blow up on someone. Enough about my anger problems though. Today as I was driving home I almost got in an accident, it would have really sucked to because the wreck would have been my fault. Oh well, I gave someone a really bad scare but escaped unharmed. My heart is yearning for that special someone to show up one day so that I can get married. I really want to get married,even though I am 18 definitely could not support my family all that well yet, i really want to get married.
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Love...nothing but a second hand emotion

It's been a couple of day's since I have written. I apologize for my last entry, I was quite angry and bitter when I wrote it. I had just been kicked out of my house, but that situation has been resolved and all is well. I miss this girl that I know, she's really special to me. I always feel complete when I am around her and that's a very rare thing for me. I guess what I really want is to feel that way all the time but that's not possible do to some events that have happened in the past. I will never be able to have a normal relationship because of those events and I hate the person(s) that did it to me. If I could find that person/people that ruined me I would dig their eyes out with my fingers. I am so full of rage these days that I am afraid of what will happen if I blow up on someone. Enough about my anger problems though. Today as I was driving home I almost got in an accident, it would have really sucked to because the wreck would have been my fault. Oh well, I gave someone a really bad scare but escaped unharmed. My heart is yearning for that special someone to show up one day so that I can get married. I really want to get married,even though I am 18 definitely could not support my family all that well yet, i really want to get married.
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Go Away....

I had a really bad day, first off I got kicked out by my mom because she thought that something was wrong. nothing was wrong. i hate living at home. I want to go to Europe so that I can escape this false reality that I am forced to live in. f*** you mom.